2011年3月9日 星期三
A memorable day
My most memorable day could be traced back to my childhood. I was in the third grade ofthe elementary school, and my family and I took a four-day trip to Mt. Al trip in the winter vacation. Because it was the first family trip in my memory, I was very excited about this journey. We took a bus to Chia-yi city and then took the mountain rail up the mountain. I could still remember that the train was in red and was steam-powered. The locomotive seemed awesome and looked like a monster to me. There were a lot of people at that time, and no seats were left empty. I enjoyed the view outside the window, and the scenery was magnificent. The train arrived at the halfway station in the afternoon, and we could get off the train for a while and took some pictures together with the beautiful sunset and clouds. Everytime I opened my photo album, I couldn't help retrospecting those unforgettable moments we had there. I guess nothing would substitute those sweet moments in my early childhood, and I should never forget that precious time.
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第二行ofthe elementary school
回覆刪除→of the elementary school((這裡可寫可不寫
第三行I was very excited的excited為vt.後面不加介系詞
然後其他的都很棒欸:D
第二行of和the中間忘了空一格了
回覆刪除and my family and I took a four-day trip to Mt. Al trip in the winter vacation.
Mt. Al後面多一個trip
第五行the train was in red 不用加in
作者已經移除這則留言。
回覆刪除第二行因為有兩個and感覺很奇怪
回覆刪除如果改成
My family and I took a four-day trip to Mt. Al in the winter vacation when I was in the third grade ofthe elementary school.
句子應該會看起來比較漂亮
還有我不懂為什麼你的阿里山後面又要再加一次trip@@
Because it was the first family trip in my memory
可以改成
In my memory, it was the first time taht my family and i went on a trip. Therefore, I was very excited then.
第六行
in red不是在形容陳川什麼顏色的衣服嗎?
我不太確定這樣可以說車是紅色的耶@@
substitute這個字是叫做取代沒錯
但我不知道它可不可以取代人以外的東西
不過同意字有 take place of/in place of/take one't place 等等 我覺得句子裡有片語的點綴會更漂亮:)
最後一行可以把should改成will比較沒有強迫性的感覺喔
ofthe-->忘了分開
回覆刪除Everytime I opened my photo album, I couldn't help retrospecting those unforgettable moments we had there.
這句的前面可以在加一些東西喔
感覺跳的有點快
然後主題句真的寫的很棒~有吸引人看下去的感覺
took the mountain rail up the mountain
回覆刪除這裡的take up是一個片語嗎?是甚麼意思阿???
應為我查到的是開始從事的意思~
如果他是一個片語...
那可以改成took up the mountain rail
可能比較好...因為原本的看不太出是片語!!
in red 有一點怪...但是紅火車的意思八!!!
但寫成red train可能比較不會有看不懂的情況!
and no seats were left (empty)可省
magnificent是華麗的意思~我不知道能不能形容風景!!!
情節交代的很清楚!有身歷其境的感覺~
又有形容老火車的懷舊感~對於記憶的描寫很詳盡喔=)
winter vacation 我記得老師好像說過前面有修飾winter才加the
回覆刪除like a monster to me. for me 吧 ??
There were a lot of people at that time,
A lot of 可以改成 plenty of 更好 :)
and no seats were left empty.可以不用left
moments what we had there.
I guess nothing would ~guessed要用過去式喔
My most memorable day could be traced back to my childhood. 開頭還不錯呢~有看故事的感覺
回覆刪除We took a bus to Chia-yi city and then took the mountain rail up the mountain.
改成We took a bus to Chia-yi city and then went to the mountaintop by rail.
I could still remember that the train was in red
不用加in
and we could get off the train for a while and took some pictures together with the beautiful sunset and clouds.
together with不知道可不可以這樣用
可以改成took some pictures to record the beautiful sunset and clouds.
and my family and I took a four-day trip to Mt. Al trip in the winter vacation.第二個trip應該就不用出來了吧,不然會有點冗詞贅字的感覺
回覆刪除I couldn't help retrospecting those unforgettable moments we had there.後面的we有點奇怪,會變成是主詞跟前面不一樣
locomotive,magnificent....我覺得有用到以前學過的單字,學以致用,看了有一股熟悉的感覺,希望我自己也可以多利用以前學過的單字^^
文章我覺得寫起來有一種溫馨的感覺,可是反而就少了點轉折的部分或者是讓人比較令人驚艷的部分,如果多家一點可以讓文章更加的棒喔^^
my family and I took a four-day trip to Mt. Al trip in the winter vacation
回覆刪除→my family and I took a four-day trip to travel Mt. Al in the winter vacation
感覺比較不會饒舌~
感覺整篇是很溫馨的感覺,也用了很多好的句子!
很符合你網誌上的那張照片~
>~<