2011年6月1日 星期三
Discussing Cause - 1 ( Population Increase )
Over the past 150 years there has been a huge increase in population. One reason is that medicine and health care have advanced considerably and sanitation has become better and better. They have caused fewer infant deaths and more people living longer. Another reason is that improved farming methods have produced more and better food so that people would not need to worry about starving to death. Economy is another reason that causes a huge increase in population. If people drawn a large income, they would lead a better life than dying of cold or starvation. It is for all these reasons and more that has led to the population increase.
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我覺得文章十分通順~
回覆刪除這篇十分棒喔!!!
但是有些小地方~
像 If people drawn a large income, they would lead a better life than dying of cold or starvation.
就有點和前方的種植部分的理由重複~
可改成可以負擔孩子的教育費之類的~
其他都很不錯喔=)
第一行 huge 可以換成 dramatically 更有感覺:D
回覆刪除Economy is another reason that ~
another reason 前面已經出現過了 可以改別的
//ex: Economy is also a reason that ~
drawn a large income中drawn我覺得怪怪的 改一下!
每一點的理由都很厲害喔!
句型若改一下會更漂亮呢:D
One reason is that medicine and health care have advanced considerably and sanitation has become better and better.(~better than before我覺得會更漂亮喔~
回覆刪除They have caused fewer infant deaths and more people living longer.(~people are able to live longer~加上be able to感覺可以有強調的意味)
One reason (1)is that ~. Another reason(2) is that ~. Economy(3) is another reason that ~.
有重複is that很多次~換成別的句型會更好喔!!
倒數第四行Economy is another reason...
回覆刪除another reason前面的句子已經用過了 這邊可以換成the other
這篇文章還不錯 可是感覺可以再多寫一些~~
that has led to the
回覆刪除我覺得可以不要用has
然後和另一篇依樣reason得句子太多重複了~改依下吧
4th Another reason可以用on the other hand :D
回覆刪除starving to death這個因素似乎重複出現了
由時候即使他是事實 也可以多多想想其他因素 畢竟不只一個嘛:>
第一句可以在最後加上地點或是 all over the world這類感覺比較完整唷~
回覆刪除fewer infant deaths
>> fewer infants die
drawn a large income
starvation可以替換成別的字
像是shortage of food這樣@@
然後內容有點少
列點清楚只是太過單調枯燥唷
寫的很順暢
回覆刪除不過文章有點少><
很順暢耶!
回覆刪除但是篇幅可以多加一點喔